Why Does It Feel Like I Can’t Change?

Posted: September 22, 2015 in Uncategorized

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein

This one is a conundrum.  At a high-level point of view it’s so simple to see.  On the other hand, it’s so difficult to understand and – even further – even more difficult to take action upon.  Why does it feel like I can’t change?  To put it succinctly, it’s because I haven’t changed anything.

I reviewed a small log of journals I’ve written dating back to August of 2009. Two-thousand and mother-fucking Nine.  I’ll let that soak in for a second.  Sigh.  What I’ve found in my review is that I’ve said the same thing, only different ways:

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I don’t know where my life is going.”

“I should do X, Y, Z…”

“Maybe I’ll do this and that will lead to this…”

“I’m upset because I’m not doing anything.”

“I need to start working out more.  I’m not in the shape I want to be in.”

These are just a few items that have come up in my journal over five years.  It’s kind of interesting when I really think about it though.  Because there are some changes I have made – but they have been cyclical and eventually whittled away to where I’m at again now:  Back at square one.  But what is square one?  Square one is when I’m starting to feel a bit desperate again.  I feel like I’m not in control anymore, I’m not leading my life, but only following a path that is laid before me – not one I have laid myself.

I feel like I haven’t changed because my disposition in life is the same on the inside.  Oh, there are some accomplishments along the way and they should be counted!

  1. Traveled to India for work and had a blast
  2. Bought and sold a house
  3. Finished a year-long work project
  4. Started working on my car
  5. Built an awesome budget that my wife and I stick to
  6. Moved in with my parents to help out my sister, her kids, and my parents (long story)

It’s not like things are hopeless, they just feel… a little out of the spectrum of my true wishes.  Things that I’ve clamored for in my journal have not come to fruition.  I’m still the same shape as when I first started.  I’ve not really started any blogging.  I haven’t dedicated the desired amount of time, effort, and money towards my car.  I’ve not followed a daily routine that I’ve set.  I’ve not gotten that promotion at work.  I’m not learning the things I want to learn.  I’m not studying any martial art.

So why does it feel like I can’t change?  It’s because I haven’t changed!  I haven’t put the effort into strength training or watching my calories.  I haven’t written consistently in my blog, or worked at owning my own business.  I really haven’t followed that daily routine I set.  I don’t work hard enough at work to deserve a promotion.  I haven’t studied the things I want to learn.

Maybe just writing this will allow me to reflect.  Maybe writing this blog means I’m doing something about the previous inability to change.  Maybe I’m doing something about it right now.  Maybe, just maybe, this is a beginning.

It feels good.

Man.  Vicarious.

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